Jumbo's Killcrane are a trio of stylin' dudes with big amplifiers from Lawrence, Kansas. They have a really loud new album out on Crucial Blast called CARNAVAL DE CARNE that you should buy three copies of just for the hell of it. Give one to your mom! Anyway, we're gonna do this interview, see, but TMU was too goddamn lazy to think up any questions himself, and he palmed the whole thing off on Pym, who handed the cd and some random pictures over to her gardener, Juan. Now, Juan is an illegal immigrant born into a lifetime of misery who currently lives in the Hellfortress broom closet (the rent's cheap), so as you can imagine, he drinks pretty heavily to ease his eternal suffering. So don't be surprised by any of Juan's questions, okay?

JUAN THE GARDENER'S QUESTIONS FOR JUMBO'S KILLCRANE:

DA: What kind of planet is this? What did we do to deserve this? I MUST KNOW!

Erik Jarvis (guitar): Shit, I feel like I've gotten off easy. I'm constantly fucked-up, so the only thing that could make me look outside myself for two seconds would probably be like death or worse. Plus that, I can cum every 30 seconds for six hours...So why would I ever want to die anyway? You're probably a surfer, and that's a good thing. [TMU: The only thing I surf is... um... never mind.]

Adrian Proctor (drums): Seems we been livin' this squishy American life a bit too care-free like. What did we do NOT to deserve it....ii jjjust nneed a llittle mmmore oioil 'til iii ccann ggget bback on topp o' mmy shshit man...

Troy Richardson (bass): Earth is one of the seven celestial bodies that revolve around the fireball that is the sun. I'm just glad that we happen to exist on the one that has breathable air. Though Saturn's rings are very appealing to the eye. [TMU: Plus it's also where Sun Ra is hiding out, waiting to return after all the two-legged cockroaches have been wiped from the earth in the Great Cleansing known as Ragnarok... which is coming pretty fucking soon, don't you think? Or have you not been paying attention to certain developments in the Middle East? And why do they call it the "Middle" East anyway? What happened to the "Left" East? Or the "Right" East? See? See? The cleansing has already begun... soon Ra will return... praise his mighty name! HEEWACK!]

DA: Is the formation of your fine band a collective response to the angst generated by the hellish misery that is life on earth, or do you just like playing real loud?

EJ: Dude, we live in Kansas. What would you expect? The Get Up Kids? The Anniversary? The Belles? We know and like those guys so we have no choice but to play something slightly askew to what the local norm has become... actually, that's just a lie, we just play whatever the fuck we want and suck our own dicks as much as possible... I really don't see the point at all.

AP: Loud.

TR: Our unholy union is solely based upon the driving need to destroy all things living and dead.

DA: Feel free to now make up outlandish stories about how the band came to exist.

EJ: Glory holes do have their price. Some of us learn this the hard way. I mean $10 for a fucking blowjob from a guy? That's kind of a rip-off, wouldn't you say? [TMU: Actually, down here that's a pretty good bargain.]

TR: Erik and Adrian came to see one of my solo performances one night, and after kicking much ass on stage, they begged me to join their crappy little rock outfit. I repeatedly told them things like, "Fuck you. My mom rocks harder than you" or "My farts are more musically diverse than anything you got." To make a long story short, I joined because I felt sorry for them.

AP: I, for one, can't remember shit about it. Although, through much painful therepy i have found that I've been repressing some interesting details concerning the existence of a couple of rather disgusting individuals who go by the names of "Ervis" and "Filthy". I fear I might have said too much already...

DA: Where's the best place to buy Mad Dog 20/20 ("best" = "cheapest")?

TR: I get my Mad Dog from a bum who lives on Mass St. in Lawrence. At least I think it's Mad Dog, it does taste a little salty sometimes.

EJ: Nah, B... you gotsta' get that steel reserve bitch, and it's at most convenience stores world-wide ... $1.00 for 22 ounces of shit that will make you blind... unless you get your goddam free drinks like you damn well should. Shit, you did fucking drive 3,000 miles for this shit.

AP: Ah, a serious question. The cheapest booze, of any kind, comes from the liquor store at the corner of Huntoon and Taylor in Topeka, Kansas. There you will find a clerk named "Spliff." Ask his bodyguard "Kevin Costner" for "the fire." I don't know if that will work, but if you're ever in Topeka, you should try it. You'll want to be "strapped."

DA: Feel free to tell us entertaining lies about your fine new album, CARNAVAL DE CARNE.

AP: It sold a hundred thou in the first week.

TR: CARNAVAL DE CARNE was written in a two-day drug infested debaucherous bender that... oh, you said tell lies....

EJ: It was recorded in two days at Uptone Studios in Tacoma, WA by some guitar-guy-dude who plays guitar in a band.... I think their name was Bloodfag or something. Anyway, I'm pretty sure they can't read, as they seemed like hicks to me. They really enjoyed our company. I've never been harrassed by a Fire Marshal while taking bong-hits and trying to record. Fuck them Fire-Stoppin' bastards.... I told them they needed a warrant to come in. The owner thanked me for that with a gesture that included one of his fingers separated from the others while raised above the others in a glorious boasting of praise and sportsmanship. After all, I could have just shot him.... And it was cool listening to those lost Melvins reels that were recorded there. That was nice.... That and watching a warped-to-fuck tape of FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V 20 times in a row. Real fun indeed.

DA: So how different is this one from the last two?

AP: the other two didn't.

TR: Nearly every song is worth listening to.

EJ: Agreed.

DA: What's this scary rumor about you guys playing with the likes of 400 Blows? The only thing more fearsome would be Totimoshi on the same bill....

EJ: Two of my favorite bands for sure. 400 Blows just fucking rocks, and Totimoshi just fucking fucks themselves and it's so, so sweet to watch . By the way, Meg, I'm gonna need two liters of soy milk this time. Tony... uhhhhh. Hi... end cheese that is! Man, if I could just taste some of you guys' high end cheese once... I'd be set. First, let me lick the mold off the outside, then show me to Matt Pike's room. I'm already sorry for what I did in Desi's room last time... just kidding Des, I really am serious... I just slept a bit and made a small yet efficient fort out of your blankets, only to destroy it all later in a drunken fit of rage.

AP: Totimoshi needs to stop acting like they're so fearsome all the time. They're all "ooohh we're sooooo fearsome," and "man, if we were any more fearsome we'd have to turn in our 'sensitive-feminist-band-cards." But yeah, we're doing some west coast shows with 400 blows, who may or may not be fearsome, I'm not saying.

TR: We will be doing a west coast leg with those crazy fuckers in hopes that their fame will elevate us even beyond them. It will be nice to steal their crowds and then take them home with us and have freaky circus sex, the crowd that is.

EJ: Yeah... ahem... the crowd.

DA: Speaking of which, we smell a good story behind "Tonymegshi" -- what's the scoop?

AP: That smell is not a story, it's Tony and Meg's "high-end cheeses."

EJ: Yeah, what he said.

DA: I hear a lot of non-metal stuff like Shellac, Killing Joke, blah blah blah in the new album. Am i imagining things?

AP: If i could play metal, that's what we'd be doing. But I fucking can't, all right?

EJ: Wait a sec, this is gonna take some courage... O.K.... I have never heard Killing Joke before and I've only listened to a few Shellac songs. They were very good songs and I really dig the guitar work and the drum sounds like a motherfucker, Steve A. does a real good job with that sorta thing in most all cases. But alas, I am a hermit with no stereo or Playstation and a crappy computer, so my musical adventures mostly just happen with these two assholes and when I'm strummin' ye' old classical geetar. The two cds I always play on my computer the most are Oxbow's AN EVIL HEAT and High On Fire's SURROUNDED BY THIEVES, it's worth rebooting that hunk of crap every two songs just to hear such brilliant shit.

TR: Obviously you are slightly retarded and more than likely doing a lot of crystal meth because I don't hear those things. [TMU: It's the lengleaf talking.]

DA: Are the rumors true that your next album is gonna be nothing but Last Exit covers?

TR: If we could play Last Exit covers then the world would be our oyster. For now I will just settle for eating oysters. Preferably baked with some mozzeralla cheese and some hot sauce.

AP: I don't know who Last Exit is, but yeah, it's true.

EJ: I don't know who that is either, but fuck yeah, it's true.

DA: The word "math rock" keeps coming up with the Killcrane, so... what's the official JK position on math rock? Good, bad, what?

AP: Filthy makes us play all our songs in this barely understandable code. Something about "movements" and "dynamics" and "odyssey" or something. How it works is, we come up with these jangly-assed riffs you know, real Uncle Tupelo-y, and he plays them in such a way that we can't understand what the hell is going on. Well, I  just block it all out and play it real straight.

TR: I don't mind math rock. We don't try to be mathy, we were just born geniuses and it comes naturally from our minds and to our fingertips.

EJ: Man, you got a lotta nerve hittin' on me like that... I haven't even seen your picture. [TMU: And you're thankful for that, trust me.] I guess we're whatever people call us... I just play shit that I think sounds cool and these two guys laugh at me.

DA: Give us one good reason we shouldn't believe the Freemasons are to blame for everything, including bad metal and Donald Rumsfield.

E: "De CIA! De cabinet minista! It's oll Bullshit! Od of it!" All seven members of the Ringling Bros. circus were Freemasons, Jean Sibelius, the Finnish composer and Abbott of Abbott and Costello was a Freemason, he's pretty funny. And don't forget about Duke Ellington. There's ten reasons. Ha.

AP: If you utter one more word about the Freemasons, I swear to God, some terrible stuff might start happening. And not the fun kind.

DA: So have the tours lately been conducted with great dignity, or do you have entertaining stories of lurid behavior for us?

AP: We've really cleaned up our act recently. No longer do we take disgusting pictures of our passed out soon-to-be ex-bass player, tempt hot strippers with false promises of being in our first video, hate fuck our ex-girlfriends, threaten shady characters with knives....

EJ: Whenever we play with Weedeater there's always this white dust they make us lick off their instruments... I find it quite uplifting. And there's always the "moleste del romantica"... that happened in Texas, where everyone came out ahead. I love border girls.

TR: One time Ervis pooped his pants on stage and then smeared it on somebody in the crowd's face.

DA: So what happened to Claxton I on the album? Was it shy?

AP: Claxton I was on the first album. He needed a make-over.

TR: Claxton I and Claxton II had an arm wrestling match to see who would be placed last on the album. Needless to say, Claxton II was the stronger man.

EJ: Ummm... yeah.

DA: My ninja doesn't play bass, but he comes from Saturn. How about yours?

TR: My ninja comes from my pants. It darts in and out very stealthily and shoots projectiles from its blowhole.

EJ: Our ninja is a whining bitch that throws these stupid metal stars at us while we practice... luckily, he is so frail and weak that he doesn't know how to sharpen a throwing star, or play his fucking instrument for that matter.

AP: My ninja's growing as we speak.

DA: What audience trick, in JK's opinion, is such a heinous affront to human dignity as to warrant instant death?

EJ: Just give me a knife, and I'll kill you for $10. You don't even need to do anything heinous to me or anyone else for that matter. Hell, you could just be walking down the street, and I'd kill you just 'cause... I need that $10.

AP: You must be doing something extra special to get 'em turning tricks. That never happens to us.

TR: "Play some Freebird man!"

DA: Does the Killcrane recommend (or not) that music be played while intoxicated?

AP: All music should definitely be completely played sober. Or drunk.

TR: We recommend that we be intoxicated at all points in time and that the crowd should intoxicate us first and then themselves last.

EJ: I've said it before and I'll say it again... I have no vices... not a single one.... my hands never shake, I don't jones for anything, ever, I always get a good night's sleep, and my grooming is just fucking impeccable.

DA: Anything else you want to add, say it now... the end is nigh, in more ways than one....

AP: Be careful with that satan-worshipping thing, okay?

TR: Poop is brown.

EJ: Is this guy really in our band? We're supposed to sound intelligent, you fucking retard... way to go asshole... now the whole west coast thinks that you'tre the asshole who's gonna move out there with all the other Okies and make a futile attempt at earning a living trimming pot somewhere in Humbolt whilst you stroke yourself into oblivion and inflate the already ridiculous cost of living. Jerk.

(Juan was supposed to come up with twenty questions, but... well... he was pretty drunk, all right... we may never get the smell out of the closet....)